Peace, Love and Death


Having a wealth of experience when it comes to death, I have learned quite a bit about living. I know there is a bigger picture to all of this. A picture that we as simple human beings are not meant to fully understand here in the physical world. I’m not necessarily talking about God, but this bigger picture could include some form of that. All I know is that there HAS to be more to this than what our simple “humanness” is capable of comprehending.

After a lot of personal growth and self-discovery, I have come to realize that life is about maintaining our love and peace with those we still have in our lives. Sounds too hippie dippy for you? Let me tell you how I got here…

Having been raised in an intense, ultra-religious church that some say had cult like tendencies, religion is just not for me. Religion has only hurt parts of my life than it has helped. That’s not saying I didn’t take away some incredible friendships and life principles from growing up that way. I absolutely did, and those relationships and morals are some of the things I hold closest to my heart. It’s just that religion itself, is just not for me. I believe , in a way it was created to bring peace of mind in humanity for what happens in the afterlife. (Not trying to offend anyone who still practices a religion, I have absolutely nothing against it. If it works for you, I am so grateful it does. My new found beliefs are just the result of my religious trauma.) 

It’s been over 12 years since I left the church. In that time, it has been an uphill battle to map out what it is that I believe in. I have had to deprogram my mind from believing that if you die and aren’t baptized in this church you will burn in hell for all eternity. Yikes right!? Because of that, I had an unhealthy fear of death as a child. To be fair, I think everyone fears death to an extent because it’s the ultimate UNKOWN. So of course, there is a level of fear in it. However, in the 12+ years I have been free to have a mind of my own I have finally come to a place that I believe that ‘anything is possible’! Cliché? Maybe. However, it’s the absolute, simple truth of life. We as humans are so limited, who am I to say things aren’t possible? Who am I to say there IS or ISN’T a God? Who am I to say there isn’t another version of myself somewhere in another galaxy? Sure! Why not? Who the heck am I!? I’m just a simple earthling after all. 

Now, with this new-found perspective on death and life and that it is so much larger than we know, I also believe that LOVE is more important than we are aware. Yes, of course love in any form is essential for quality of life, but I think its so easy for us to take it for granted. The major losses of my life have been of course my beloved husband, my babies, my father and my in laws. You could say I see how important it is to love those I still have in my life, and also probably why I tend to be so forgiving, not that it always comes easy to me. Our time here is brutally temporary, and wasting that time is criminal. Regardless of what you personally believe in, everyone can believe in love.

With all that said and all the loss I have suffered through, I have finally arrived to a peaceful state of mind when it comes to death. I have to believe we are all eternally connected, even in death. After all, the first law of Thermodynamics is that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. And I believe love is an energy form indeed! So, just because someone isn’t here physically, doesn’t mean their love for us dies right along with them. 

If we all could just use our time to love each other and be grateful for those that remain, life would simply be easier.  Maybe it’s the “hippie” mentality I have, but I truly believe in the power of love. You and you alone can choose to love, even when it can feel hard to.

Experiencing the kind of loss that changed the entire course of my life in an instant, I am painfully aware that the time we are blessed to have with one another is preciously finite. I honestly wish I could beat this into the brains of some, because I constantly see people I know and love wasting it. Which absolutely breaks my heart. We only get so much time to love each other, something that easily overlooked.

My advice to EVERYONE, live your life in love. It really is that simple. Death comes quick and I don’t want to waste any time.


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For whatever reason you find yourself here, I welcome you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for stopping by to gander into this life of widowhood I have unexpectedly found myself in. This is for anyone who finds themselves in a similar situation or just wants to get an idea of what this is really like. I know the lot of you will be fellow members of this shitty club, but I hope that the many others will never have to know what this is like. Losing a spouse is not for the weak and wearied, even though at times that’s all that I feel. The thing is about widowhood, you’re not given a choice. You HAVE to get up and keep going. Even when it feels impossible, and those impossible days are way more frequent than not. Learning to live every day without my beloved Justin has been like trying to live with without all of my limbs. You’re trapped and have nowhere to go other than to just sit in the painful and horrid mess that is your life. I cannot do justice for what this is like because it is the type of hurt that you cannot truly explain. You have to feel it yourself to really understand. But hopefully, I can help my fellow widowed tribe or anyone who just wants to try to gain an understanding of the daily life of a widow. It’s now part of my new identity, and always will be. The girl I was before Justin died is long gone and I now am piecing together what this new me looks like. I am not sure what that will look like entirely but hopefully here is where I can put myself back together again. Thank you for taking an interest in my journey. It is because of all of you that I have kept me going.

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