Widow brain is no joke. It clouds every aspect of your head, which makes it nearly impossible to be a normal, self-sufficient and productive human being. This last week I have been struggling trying to think of something to write about. Even though I have an endless list of topics written down that I could discuss, I can’t seem to focus on any one thing.
I have attempted to write about four different things this week and all of them I have stopped halfway through because I just wasn’t feeling it. I believe in order for me write about something that people will want to read and will be able to connect to, I have to actually being feeling whatever it is in that moment for it to feel successful and worth publishing. So, after all those attempts, and with a little help from my friend who encouraged me to embrace the fog, here I am, talking about what I am feeling and battling right now.
I am going through some new heavy life circumstances with my family that I am sure I will discuss at a later time, when I feel it is more appropriate but it has made the grief in my mind even more present. I need Justin to help right now but he cannot and that is making this more difficult on top of an already horrible situation. His absence through this awfulness has created a fog to slowly creep in and take up the majority of myself.
Widow brain, grief brain or just good old brain fog from stress is absolutely real. It prevents us from being a normal functioning adult. When the fog sets in and inevitably occupies every part of my body, I feel like I start to lose it a little. I can be driving in my neighborhood and by some miracle get lost (yes, this has happened) or forget where I was supposed to be headed in the first place after driving for a solid ten minutes…”Oh right, I have to go to work right now!”. I can have a long list of to do’s but be crippled, sometimes literally, with anxiety because of all the “to do’s”, when they are simple things like getting the car washed and picking up dog food. And then when I do try, I get lost going to PetSmart…which is down the street by the way. Even as I am trying to write this I am losing my train of thought, getting easily distracted by the dishes in the sink and then my eyes catch the basket of laundry full of clean clothes that has been sitting there for 3 days and I just start staring at it, unable to move, I can’t seem to walk over there, pick up the basket and start folding. GET UP CRAZY LADY AND FOLD!!!! So now, I start to feel like there is no point of even sharing any of this because I feel like it has no direction. However, this is real and this is part of grief and life, so here it is folks. Foggy, widow brain word jumbles in all its glory by yours truly.
I am trying to manage everyday life, grief and death all that the same time. No wonder I feel like a crazy person who can’t focus and probably isn’t making any sense. It’s OK to feel foggy. Is it fun? Not in any way, but I know there is no way around it. It just is. I know deep down it’s temporary. Hopefully soon, I will regain control of my brain and be able to feel like a somewhat regular person who can contribute to society again. However, when you’re in it, it’s horribly frustrating because you can’t see an end in sight. You just have to wait it out until the fog clears.